Unconditional love

The current t-square with the sun coming up to square both the Chiron-Neptune conjunction and Mars has been creating a lot of painful situations and a lot of blaming and scapegoating for people around me.  For me, it has generally been my old chestnut of an ailing body.  However, I decided to try a new experiment.  My knee has been bad for a couple of months now and this has prevented me going to the gym and doing any exercises using my legs but I have still been able to do exercise for my upper body.  However a few weeks back, my shoulder started playing me up badly in a way it did some years back and from which it had recovered sufficiently (it’s never going to be fully right again) to not be much of an issue.  Since this blocked me fully from exercise I decided on this new experiment.  So I said to Life that if it was the case that it wanted me to give up on the gym, then I would do that but could my shoulder stop being a problem.  Since I knew my shoulder was pretty bad and that it was unlikely to recover for some time (last time it had taken two years to settle down), I was quite shocked to see that within days it was almost back to normal.  I realised that ever since getting involved with the I-Ching some twenty five years ago (and before that even), my body has been blocking me from my natural love of sport and physical activity generally) and I have vacillated between semi accepting it and fighting it. Perhaps it was time to finally give up this fight?  I am fully aware that a large part of my desire to go to the gym is governed by vanity and fear (fear that I will become fat and more incapacitated).  Watching my body a bit more carefully, I noticed that on Wednesday this week it was a nice day and having worked very long and hard on Monday and Tuesday and being due to do so on Thursday and Friday I decided that I would spend a large chunk of the day gardening.  However, pretty much from the moment of waking up my back was on the verge of spasming and I was barely capable of bending over let a lone gardening.  I decided that Life clearly did not want me to spend my time gardening.  As it turned out, I had work that needed to be done and also much of the day was spent helping friends and family with black holes they were in.  At the end of the day, I went to the Chiropractor who sorted out my back so that it was not a huge problem.  I couldn’t but notice how beautifully it had been crafted, stopping at the beginning of the day, being able to get an appointment at short notice but not till the end of the day.  So what does all this body stuff have to do with unconditional love you might ask, and that is a very good question and one I am wondering about too!  It just sort of crept in there…!  However, it is connected because giving up on being concerned with my body and instead simply seeing it as directing me, linked into the transit in my chart but also to a video I watched the following morning on my iphone whilst setting off for Luxembourg at twenty past four in the morning.  This video was of an interview with a cardiac surgeon called Pim van Lommel (this is the link to the interview http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOeLJCdHojU).  The interview describes the work he did in researching the near death experiences of a number of his patients.  The interview had a profound effect on me since it described his discovery that consciousness is not a product of the brain but rather the brain is a transceiver or interface for consciousness.  He described the fact that these people who had had near death experiences described the same experience of connectedness and no longer feared death, that it had been like a coming home to somewhere they already knew and that this experience existed outside space and time.  On coming back, they trusted their heart and intuition more, experienced a sense of compassion for others and a greater willingness to help others.  Since my friend Chrissy had had one of these near death experiences, I was already familiar with all of this, yet somehow, in this instance, it bought a number of things together and a pressure was released.  Before this on the Wednesday, I noticed in dealing with my family and a young student of mine how much I loved people and cared about their black holes.  It seemed easy to express this and it seemed to make a big difference to them (although it didn’t feel very unusual to me).  I have learnt about wisdom all my life and particularly as student of Chrissy’s over the last twenty-five years, whilst I seem very able to help people, I have often wondered whether it might not be a fraud who has just learnt the form and intellectual structure of it so well that it is almost a perfect act.  The reason for this, is that I have never really felt the level of love of people (or only from time to time) that I notice very wise people expressing.  Suddenly, on the Wednesday and then particularly after the Pim Van Lommel video something seemed to have shifted.  What seemed to have shifted was the culmination of some months or years.  Somehow none of the normal pre-occupations or worries seemed important.  There was just people and trying to help because I really did love them.  Since death was nothing to be scared of and since we only have a limited amount of time, wasting it on anything other than this simply did not seem important.  I had been noticing for a while that giving up on my body and sliding into old age where there is no pressure to be anything or get anywhere has been seeming an increasingly attractive proposition.  Somehow, watching the Pim Van Lommel video was like a final bursting of this and I realised that none of it mattered anymore – all the pre-occupations that people generally concern themselves with; the sense of looking for something that will make them happier, more fulfilled, less anxious, more confident etc.  I realised that I did not care anymore.

At the same time, I am sufficiently well versed black hole game player that I realised that this was probably just a transit and would not last.  This evening came my first obstacle as I went with my daughter to get a chinese take-away.  I was feeling particularly full of love for humanity and there in the chinese take away were three late middle aged me who had been drinking all day and could barely speak or prop themselves up on the counter.  The chinese woman behind the counter had to beckon me round them to the other side of the counter since they were clearly incapable of moving.  They were all heavily tatooed with various piercings and were busy talking to each other and chanting songs in a bleary-eyed way whilst they tried to hold on to the the spinning bar and focus on each other.  They were even talking to the young chinese girl about why she wouldn’t marry them.  All my prejudices were beautifully stacked up and I contented myself with watching the cricket on the small tv screen at the end of the counter whilst noticing how cleverly life had caught out my new found unconditional love!  As they attempted to banter with the young chinese girl behind the counter and started singing racously she told them to shut up and be quiet, but I noticed that she did it with humour and a smile and genuinely engaged them good naturedly, laughing at their responses.  I felt very small hearted in comparison.  At this point one of the drunks turned to me and said that he thought that I looked like a cricket man and started asking me questions about the cricket and I began to answer as I realised that even in his drunken stupour he was somehow picking up on my frosty lack of engagement and suddenly I could hear the child like desire in him to make a connection and when we came to we wish each other goodbye we did so with genuine warmth.  Life had come as a tatooed drunk to teach me the real meaning of unconditional love.

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